Dream

I woke this morning with a smile, but sadness in my heart from my dream last night......

I dreamt that I had Selah and I was at some function with her......

showing her off....... kissing her in disbelief that she was actually in my arms...

She was speaking words....in ENGLISH..... she looked at me with her sweet eyes and said, "Mama" as she touched my lips.....

She was being passed around to people who wanted to hold her......she had a continual smile on her face......

I laid her down in a bed for her nap......she went right to sleep with no complaining (this must be a dream!).........

Then my dream ended and I woke up. At first, I had to think if it was real and Selah was really home, but of course, it didn't take long to remember that it was not real. The sadness kicked in......I miss her more than words can say......my heart literally stung for a second as I remembered we are still in this battle/fight to bring our Selah home......I have no contact with her and I won't until this ends........

Lord, how much longer?????

*sigh*

Quote from my Father-in-Law

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, 

it is about learning to dance in the rain."

20 months

Today, Selah turns 20 months!  I just can't believe that we are in the 20th month.....she is really starting to sound old now. 

We gave the latest items that the judge requested, so hopefully he will stop stalling and grant us a successful court date.

There is not a day nor a minute that goes by that I don't think of my daughter. Only its hard because she is not with us in those moments.  But, we have the promises of God to stand on....And I am SO very thankful for that.

Just when I think this might be a "difficult" time, I realize that things could be worse. And that is when I am soooo very thankful that it is not.

Something I am learning- People all around us have (and will continue) to have pain and struggles in this earthly life. No one is exempt from them- no one! Not the most godly, nor the most spiritual, nor the richest or the poorest, nor the one who does SO much for God........ No one is exempt.  The HOPE we, as His Children, have is that we don't have to go at it alone....Our God will NEVER forsake us, He will NEVER leave us.  He never leaves, but at times you may not notice Him there. I have learned that it takes discipline to notice.  There are soooo many things that are from Him that go unnoticed in our lives. I want to notice them. I never want my Lord to do something for me and not notice. My prayer is that I will notice ALL His glorious works and ALL His goodness in my life.  

During hard times, I have two choices:

1. Become bittered and blame God and lengthen the distance in my relationship with Him.

or

2. Learn to trust Him and let Him be my strength, comfort and peace. In turn, my relationship becomes stronger and more intimate with Him. So, the next time (and oh, there will be a next time) I can trust Him even more to love me through whatever struggle I am in. The trust and the closeness are there..... so we can fight the battles of this fallen world- together!

This is all a journey....

greta 

Happy Fourth!

We had such a FUN weekend. Aunt Gail came up from Miami to visit with us. She hadn't seen the boys since November.  And my sister, Amy, who is 12 has been staying with us for a long time and will stay with us for as long as she wants- we have added a family member! And boy let me tell you, just one more mouth to feed is ALOT of work. The dishes are never ending.... But we LOVE her!

We attended our annual Pool and BBQ Party at one of our friends' house.....it is one of my favorite times because some of my close friends get together and just enjoy each other's company. It is so sweet to be in the presence of friends that truly love you for you. It was hard remembering how last 4th of July we were saying how this 4th Selah would be with us, but she is not.

ON Saturday, we took Aunt Gail and Amy (my sister) on the boat and ate at Gator Joe's. We were there pretty much all day. The boys were SO brave and fun!  We all just had a blast!

Thank you Aunt Gail for spending a fortune on your plane ticket to come see us! We will not forget it for a long time!  :)

Much better

Well, after a few days of being SO down....my spirits are up again. I was talking with God and we had been having some very real talks.... mostly me being very angry. I was not wanting to let Him give me His peace this time, because I am just tired of the roller coaster of emotions this process has given me. But, yesterday I came to the bottom line- that its going to require me to choose which way I would rather live- in the dumps or with joy.  I chose joy and the incredibly Compassionate Father we have showed me once again His tender heart. :)

I have realized that I am being blessed with joy. I am waiting on the Lord and He is blessing me for it. "Those who wait upon the Lord will be blessed".... yeah this verse is ringing in a whole new light for me these days.

Bottom line- God has a plan....this has NOT come by surprise to Him.....In the end, God will win and the wicked will lose..... We do not have to be anxious when we KNOW we are in His Will.

At least I am becoming a little more aware of the fact that I will continue having the bad days, but I have noticed they are not lasting as long as they used to. And God is there the whole time....He was actually irritating me this week because He wouldn't leave me alone..... I was just so mad that I wanted Him to leave me alone.  But I am so happy He didn't, and that He never does!

I am tired

** This post is not so cheery, be warned. I am just being open and honest**

I am tired. I am just so very tired of this whole mess. I feel like this will never end. I can't give up because I can't leave my daughter there, but there are so many days when I just want to give up. She consumes my thoughts so much during the day. I wonder what she is doing. I feel bad that she spent time with us only for us to leave her....for a LONG time.  I feel that this situation is so hopeless when you are dealing with an evil person who is doing everything in their power to prevent adoptions from happening. Then I know that there is hope in God.....But, still waiting. I guess that is just me wanting the end result NOW. I know that I have experienced God's Hope, Peace, Comfort, and Love in ways that I never could have imagined before..... But, I am tired. I am stomping my feet because it wasn't supposed to happen like this. Other families around me are having successful adoptions from Kaz, and then there is us. I wish my daughter could have been in a more "adoption friendly city" of Kaz instead of the one she is in. But, God knew that all along. God knew He was going to lead us there without us knowing all this nasty stuff about it. He knew all along that we would not have gone there on our own, so He needed to get us there "by accident".  He did.  And we met our daughter and fell in love instantly!  But, this fight to bring her home is exhausting. I just wish I could see some light at the end of this tunnel. I am scared to think how much longer this may be. I missed her first birthday, will I have to miss her 2nd birthday too? Probably. This just sucks.